“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large– I contain multitudes.” – Walt Whitman
Let me at least be consistent in saying that I have never in my life been consistent. Yes, family and friends, it is not something I’m blind to. I realize that I’m doing it.
I fancy myself a traveler. I say that I want to move around. The world is my oyster, just let me bring along my two cats in tow– that’s normal for a backpacker, right? In my free time, I obsess over interior design and having matching dishes and artwork to decorate a home base that I claim I don’t even want. Why? I have no idea. It doesn’t make sense to me either. Sometimes I want to go home, be around the people that are the most familiar to me, settle in with my cats, see my boyfriend on a regular basis, and figure out what I want my life to look like from there. But most of the time I love my life abroad and wouldn’t trade what I’m doing now for all of the comforts home provides. Sometimes I want to make teaching English my career as it is honestly the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Other times, I find it exhausting to think about the logistics and how to make it work long term. I do know that when I’m at home, I am never satisfied. My itchy feet get to me and I’m off again. Is that something that will last forever? I have absolutely no idea. I am a fickle human being, as all of my closest friends know. But if you ask them about it, they will spin it in a really positive way and I love them for that. (Shout out to the people still suffering from whiplash: Thank you for sticking with me through my college years! xx)
Is this such a bad thing? Isn’t it my perogative to change my mind as many times as I want? (Cue the Bobby Brown lyrics. Or the Britney Spears version if that’s what you’re into…)I’m not really sure. I have my doubts on this. I have been called selfish on more than one occasion for moving around so much, and I see where it comes from. The choices I’ve made have been for my own sake and I have put a strain on all of my relationships to pursue things that I’m only sure I want fifty percent of the time.
But I love living this way, it feels right so far, and I trust myself. I’m just one person, but the possibilities for my life and endless and I love not knowing what will happen. The great thing about all of these decisions is that I don’t have to make any of them tonight.
I still have time to change my mind.